8 Horribly Misguided ‘Futuristic’ Video Game Controllers

cheap jordans from china The rest of the gaming industry has gotten awfully jealous of all the money Nintendo is making with their Wii and all its unconventional controllers. Now everybody wants on board the cheap jordan sneakers Wiimote/Balance Board gravy train, and sure enough Sony and Microsoft have their own motion controls on the way. cheap jordans from china

cheap jordans sale But thanks to some lesser known, state of the art gaming peripherals, other companies are way ahead on game controller innovation. Way, way ahead, into a land where only the crazy people dwell. cheap jordans sale

cheap air force Virtual reality has long been the Holy Grail of the video gaming world, because for some reason nothing less than total digital immersion is acceptable in a future where we haven’t even figured out how to clone dinosaurs or get our cars to fly. cheap air force

Cheap jordans While most engineers are content with perfecting futuristic headsets and handheld devices to approximate virtual reality, the inventors of the seek cheap jordans in china to take the notion one step further, a phrase which here means “locking players inside a cheap air force giant hamster ball.” Cheap jordans

cheap air jordan The device doesn’t even read brain waves like other emerging technologies claim to. No, all the NIA does is monitor muscle twitches in your face and translates them into on screen actions. Sometimes. cheap air jordan

The idea is that our bodies subconsciously twitch in response to certain stimulus (such as seeing a zombie come into view) and the NIA can translate those spasms into activating the fire Cheap jordans button before your brain can tell your finger to move, thus reducing reaction times.

cheap jordans free shipping This wink translates to “Kill hooker with a baseball bat.” cheap jordans free shipping

However, you’d still need a mouse and keyboard to play the game, leading us to wonder what the fucking point of the peripheral is at all, especially when you consider the device has to be calibrated every single time you want to play, which can take up to an hour or more. At least it makes for a pretty boss headband.

cheap jordans in china The vest is comprised of eight strategically placed air pockets that are connected to a small air compressor, and when the player gets shot in the game, the compressor fires a burst of air into the corresponding area that delivers a startling kick into the gamer’s midsection. cheap jordans in china

cheap adidas Aside from the obvious fact that a little puff of air hardly simulates what it would feel like to be lacerated by a red hot piece of metal traveling at the speed of sound, the vest has a number of other drawbacks, not least of which is the fact that while the air compressor is cheap jordans in china small and relatively lightweight, the entire device is still quite noisy, which ironically ruins the immersion that the device is trying to create in the first place by making it sound like you’ve hauled a lawnmower into battle. cheap adidas

Over the years since video games were invented, many attempts have been made to pair them with sex. The results have always been disappointing at best because at the end of the day, it’s just porn that you watch while your hands are busy with a control pad. If only there were some device that could translate the suggestive motions of a hot virtual goddess into actual, real life groin molestation.

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cheap jordans for sale Enter The SOM. No really, enter it, softly, with your dong. Because that’s how it works. Bundled with a Japanese Hentai game called Cross Days, the SOM is the video game peripheral serial killers have always wished for. cheap jordans for sale

cheap jordans on sale Until ultimately deciding that having sex with murdered corpses is much less weird. cheap jordans for sale cheap jordans on sale

cheap jordans online Some would argue that video games were created so that all of the children who were terrible at physical sports and games would have a place to shine. But some theorize that as time goes on we’ll raise a new generation of children for whom playing video games is itself too strenuous. cheap jordans online

They’ll need some kind cheap jordans sale of simulation that will allow them to pretend to play the games. On the cutting edge of that trend is a company called Periborg that specializes in creating strange mechanical enhancements to the human body in the name of video gaming.

cheap jordans china Products like the “Shock C” dining utensil finger attachments and the unfortunately named “Electric Wang Show” notwithstanding, the Ore Commander is unquestionably Periborg’s cheap jordans shoes crown jewel. A gamer simply straps this tiny peripheral onto his or her thumb and, once activated, the Ore Commander vibrates aggressively, allowing the player to rapidly push a controller button faster than what is normally possible, especially with the fragile thumbs of today’s youth. cheap jordans china

Curiously, the commanding of ore never seems to enter the equation.

Periborg claims the Ore Commander gives gamers the power to push the same button over 20 times per second, which would really be groundbreaking had the same idea not already been done over 20 years ago with the advent of the turbo button, which cheap nike shoes unlike Periborg’s product cannot possibly fracture your thumb.

cheap yeezys And considering the “Ore” in the device’s name cheap jordans on sale refers to the Japanese word cheap jordans online for “me,” it seems like the “Me Commander,” with its small size and vigorous vibrations, would seem better suited as a Joydick accessory (see above). Shooting Germans, killing zombies and losing at Boom Blox can really take its toll on stressed and weary muscles. However, all that is about to become a thing of the past thanks to some Austrian students and their do it yourself ingenuity. cheap yeezys

cheap jordans shoes Their quirky Massage Me jacket is actually just a vest that has been modified to include cheap Air max shoes buttons just like those found on regular old gaming cheap jordans free shipping controllers, essentially turning the wearer into a giant Power Pad. Basically, one person wears the vest, such as a girlfriend or hostage, while the gamer plays the game by pressing the buttons on the vest, and the wearer gets a massage by proxy (also, they gets molested). The best part is that anyone can build one as long as they’re good cheap adidas at sewing and know how to hack apart a PS2 controller. cheap jordans shoes

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While this is admittedly an interesting idea, and lord knows men use the massage excuse often enough when trying to get laid that they might as well play some Grand Theft Auto while they’re at it, how much fun would it realistically be to use someone else’s scoliosis ridden back www.nikefacebook.com as your controller?

cheap nike shoes Not only that, but last we checked, cheap jordans from china massages were more about being gentle and precise as opposed to forceful and random, so what happens when you need to keep hammering the A button on your girlfriend’s shoulder blade to finish off that wicked Street Fighter combo but she needs some tension relieved down near the select button cheap nike shoes.